STRIVING VS GOD’S GRACE

I used to believe that I had to become “God’s Good Little Girl” in order to gain His love and approval. I could not imagine God loving me simply because it was in His Character to do so. God would answer my prayers, bless me with His blessings, the list went on and on in my head but it all ended the same way “ I just had to be better for Him”. I did not realize that two miracles would cause me to reconsider my logical reasoning.

God’s love for me was passionately active that day. I was twenty-six and driving home for my lunch break. I worked as a teacher assistant at Vision Learning Center. Before being with the five-year-old children at one that afternoon I was going to take a break, drive home for a bite of food. This was my routine that I looked forward to before I was bombarded with young, energetic children. I was also developing my routine with spending time with the Lord. That morning I read the first verse of Psalm 120: In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me”.

The afternoon went as planned I cleaned up the children’s nap room I swept and strengthened their small beds and I began the drive home for my one-hour break. I was driving behind a SUV truck and as far as I knew I was going to get home soon to relax from the morning work activities. I had secular music playing but I don’t remember what was playing on the radio. I do remember the person in the truck slamming the breaks, to avoid hitting the truck I speedily moved to the right lane. I was in the right lane for awhile but my car switched and merged to the left lane. Before I had time to gain control of my car, I was in a fight to live, my car was going in one complete 360 degree circle. I grabbed the wheel and attempted to remain calm but the control I believed I had was gone. My car speedily headed from the right side of the road I was traveling on  and instead headed toward the median. I looked out the passenger window and saw the cars coming in my direction. As fast as my car was going over the median, I believed I would be going into oncoming traffic.

I had no control of my car and I forgot about God’s Word. However, I did not forget to scream and yell in panic. Which is exactly what I did. I saw the traffic coming toward my direction and I believed I was going to meet Jesus that day at the age of twenty-six. However, after yelling my car took one more sharp turn. I heard a loud thump. I didn’t hit a car, maybe I hit a tall orange cone, not sure to this day. My small Hyundai Accent was the only car on the median, in the middle of the interstate, abruptly stopped. I do remember the car gently rocking up and down and after a few minutes I felt calm. Logically I could not understand what happened, yet grateful I did not cross the median. I was so stunned I put my foot on the brake after the car had stopped.

I was safe in my car in the middle of the interstate. The living nightmare I had experienced was over. I believe to this day I was heard my Jesus. Not by fancy, theological words but my one, distressed scream reached His ears. That day God, through Jesus Christ, definitely got my attention. I did not have to perform for Him to be seen or heard by God. He actively listened and His Hand prevented death for me! I was able to go home after seeing a cleared path for me without any cars. I turned my car around to make the trip home, grabbed a bite to eat. My return to work and spending time with the kids was a lot more special that day, being able to hear laughter as they played was music to my ears, the sound of life.

During my twenties and well into my thirties my relationship with Jesus was countless lessons that He would never leave me nor forsake me. In fact He told me these exact words periodically reassuring me “ I will never leave you nor forsake you”. I never heard God’s audible voice, just heard thoughts that quietly would come to my mind. I was satisfied with our conversations and journaled many of His Words to me, I even titled them “God’s Words to Me” and I would sit in His Presence writing word from word whatever He shared with me.

This will be when I introduce you to a lesson that God gave me twenty years later of how He would never leave me nor forsake me. I was married to my wonderful husband Jason for five years and I was going to undergo surgery to remove fibroids. Though Jason and myself wanted children, we both settled on the idea that naturally having them would not happen. We both agreed that we had each other, to God bringing us together. I was forty-six and to make a long story short I had one successful surgery, a partial hysterectomy. This is when the surgeon takes out the uterus but leave the ovaries. I had no complications; I returned to work as a front desk receptionist with Bayview Physician Group. I was ready that my surgery was successful and I was glad to be back to my routine of life. God was with me and He brought me out of this surgery with flying colors and I was ready to move on with my life. However, while at work, toward the end of the day I felt very cold and could not become warm. I left my front desk duties unaware of the ordeal I would have medically. However, it was also a pivotal moment of truly understanding God’s unrelenting passion and care for me.